Here are the lyrics to the Taylor Swift song Breathe, sort of sums up my life right now!
I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.
And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn't work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it's not easy,
Easy for me.
It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain't easy,
Easy for me.
And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Ohhh
I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry
He told me last week that he is confused, wanted a divorce, now he's not sure so we are living under the same roof seeing where life leads us. I have realized so much in the past week about myself & I went through all the emotions, mad at myself, mad at him, mad at everyone around me really. Since then I have picked myself up, begun to make the necessary changes & lived life to benefit my children & I. When he decides what he wants I will decide if I want him, but in the meantime I am doing what I need to to be happy & it's a great feeling. It was not great realizing the true me at first, but now that I know it can be changed & I can be happier it feels great just to move forward for me!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Stuck in the middle & no clue where to go
So I mentioned Mania likes to cheat with girls at work, but what I didn't mention is that my mom has also worked at these places with him both times it's happened. Now I am stuck between my mom & him.
The place he is currently working & also the scene of his last indiscretion my mom got him the job. Before she did she made him promise the cheating, especially at work, wouldn't happen again. He promised & then he broke the promise. Needless to say my mom is not happy with him, having a hard time dealing with it & the two of them have hardly spoken since. Case in point, he needed my mom to babysit while he went to the doctor. He called, left a message & she texted him & said she'd watch Tantrum for him. Brain was away so we just needed someone to watch Tantrum.
He sees very little odd about this, has not apologized or attempted to talk to my mom & in his words it's because he "just wants it to go away & doesn't want to talk about it anymore." Well, that's not going to happen & now I am stuck in the middle of a rock & a hard place. Add to that he went back to work & as much as I want to trust him it's just not that easy.
We are getting along fine, I don't bring up my insecure feelings, I deal with them in counseling, but I don't know how I am going to make it through this again. I don't know if I want to either, but I am terrified to raise Tantrum & Brain on my own. They both have some issues that are difficult to deal with & I know if I was forced to I could, but he's not dead or walking away so I am not forced to at this point. I do not want to make this decision for me or my kids.
I just needed to vent & get it out there so thanks for listening (reading) & any advice from my mom's perspective or my own would be appreciated. I just don't know which way is up anymore, where to go or what to do. Things just got a whole lot more confusing with him going back to work & I really didn't think that was even possible!
The place he is currently working & also the scene of his last indiscretion my mom got him the job. Before she did she made him promise the cheating, especially at work, wouldn't happen again. He promised & then he broke the promise. Needless to say my mom is not happy with him, having a hard time dealing with it & the two of them have hardly spoken since. Case in point, he needed my mom to babysit while he went to the doctor. He called, left a message & she texted him & said she'd watch Tantrum for him. Brain was away so we just needed someone to watch Tantrum.
He sees very little odd about this, has not apologized or attempted to talk to my mom & in his words it's because he "just wants it to go away & doesn't want to talk about it anymore." Well, that's not going to happen & now I am stuck in the middle of a rock & a hard place. Add to that he went back to work & as much as I want to trust him it's just not that easy.
We are getting along fine, I don't bring up my insecure feelings, I deal with them in counseling, but I don't know how I am going to make it through this again. I don't know if I want to either, but I am terrified to raise Tantrum & Brain on my own. They both have some issues that are difficult to deal with & I know if I was forced to I could, but he's not dead or walking away so I am not forced to at this point. I do not want to make this decision for me or my kids.
I just needed to vent & get it out there so thanks for listening (reading) & any advice from my mom's perspective or my own would be appreciated. I just don't know which way is up anymore, where to go or what to do. Things just got a whole lot more confusing with him going back to work & I really didn't think that was even possible!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Moving along...
So I left off by saying we were both in individual counseling; we are both continuing that & he is making more effort to be emotionally available to not only me, but his kids too. He says counseling is helping him because he is dealing with the past & letting go of a lot of anger & hurt which is in turn helping every area of his life.
I am not totally convinced that things will change for the better forever so although I am making efforts too, I am doing it with a very guarded heart. Next week is the true test because he's been off of work for a little while & goes back next week. The girls he likes to cheat with have always worked with him including this last one, who still works with him. Maybe that's why I won't be convinced until he starts working with her again & then we'll see if things are still changing for the better or if he reverts back to his old ways.
I have reached a point where I am at peace. Whether he changes for good or if things end I am at peace with it. I am glad to have a place to vent anonymously & of course would love for our marriage to make it; I took vows that I meant, never wanted to become a statistic & never would want my kids to have to deal with divorce, but the fighting because of his infidelity isn't fair either. So basically it's make it or break it time next week....we'll see if his wife & kids really mean that much to him or if his selfish ways take over & destroy it all.
I know no matter what the outcome I will be a stronger better person for it. I know that I am a great mom & nothing will ever change that. I'll post more when I can, but it may not be until he goes back to work, only because things have been going pretty smoothly with counseling & no temptation.
I am not totally convinced that things will change for the better forever so although I am making efforts too, I am doing it with a very guarded heart. Next week is the true test because he's been off of work for a little while & goes back next week. The girls he likes to cheat with have always worked with him including this last one, who still works with him. Maybe that's why I won't be convinced until he starts working with her again & then we'll see if things are still changing for the better or if he reverts back to his old ways.
I have reached a point where I am at peace. Whether he changes for good or if things end I am at peace with it. I am glad to have a place to vent anonymously & of course would love for our marriage to make it; I took vows that I meant, never wanted to become a statistic & never would want my kids to have to deal with divorce, but the fighting because of his infidelity isn't fair either. So basically it's make it or break it time next week....we'll see if his wife & kids really mean that much to him or if his selfish ways take over & destroy it all.
I know no matter what the outcome I will be a stronger better person for it. I know that I am a great mom & nothing will ever change that. I'll post more when I can, but it may not be until he goes back to work, only because things have been going pretty smoothly with counseling & no temptation.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Cliff notes of the past
I am going to try to sum all of this up quickly & will give even more background as other posts need it.
Mania and I started 'seeing' each other. We were more of friends with benefits than anything, but things moved quickly! Within 4 months we were expecting our first child & moved our friends with benefits status to actually dating.
I stopped talking to Mania for a couple months during my pregnancy because he kept doubting if Brain was his or not. I suppose I can understand that now seeing how things moved so quickly & we were friends with benefits & not actually dating. Regardless it irritated me & with hormones all ready raging I couldn't take it & shut down.
Needless to say we got back together & had our first gorgeous wonderful child who was the center of my world. We waited almost a year & got married 11 days before Brain turned a year old. I wasn't sure Mania was ready to get married & reassured him if he wasn't ready that was ok. He said he was ready & we proceeded with the wedding. Fast forward 4 months & we bought our house. 3 months later Mania cheated on me, I got him fired from his job (the girl he cheated with worked with him & my emotions got the best of me & I decided to show up there to prove my point.) I found out 2 days after the firing that I was pregnant again - when it rains it pours!
We got some marriage counseling & decided to work it out. Things were going smoothly, we were working on our relationship, healing, trust & getting ready for Tantrum to make an appearance. Things with Tantrums birth were not smooth, Tantrum came 7 weeks early & things were rough, but we were still working as a team & trying to enjoy life as much as possible at that point.
Things seemed to stay fairly even, minor life ups & downs, but nothing we couldn't handle & get through. Fast forward to October 2010 & it is sprung on me that a couple that we were friends with approached Mania about swinging. I did not want this, did not agree with it & should have stood my ground, but I gave a little. I agreed to meeting with them & then told him I didn't want to go further, the talking was fine if that was what turned him on, but no further than that. The agreement also was I was to know about it, have access to what was said if I chose to & there was no hiding anything!
Well this worked for a short while. Not long after I found out that the wife & Mania had done some stuff together behind my back & behind her husband's, needless to say I was not happy. Mania blamed this on a communication problem & I was dumb enough to believe him. Then, we mutually decide a separation may be best for us & our family to figure some things out. We were apart about 8 days, he saw the kids regularly, like every day & we remained cordial for the most part. When he came home I knew something was off, but couldn't put my finger on it. About 2 or 3 weeks later I found some im's between him & a female coworker talking about their sexual desires, etc. Needless to say I flipped.
We tried marriage counseling, but he figured out there are deeper issues from his past, parents divorce, father abandoned him, etc. that he needed to work through. I agreed & now we are both in individual counseling working through a lot & trying to figure things out. This is where the journey will continue with updates, rants, raw emotions & a lot of confusion on my part......hope you will join me & find it in yourself to provide a tiny bit of moral support!
Mania and I started 'seeing' each other. We were more of friends with benefits than anything, but things moved quickly! Within 4 months we were expecting our first child & moved our friends with benefits status to actually dating.
I stopped talking to Mania for a couple months during my pregnancy because he kept doubting if Brain was his or not. I suppose I can understand that now seeing how things moved so quickly & we were friends with benefits & not actually dating. Regardless it irritated me & with hormones all ready raging I couldn't take it & shut down.
Needless to say we got back together & had our first gorgeous wonderful child who was the center of my world. We waited almost a year & got married 11 days before Brain turned a year old. I wasn't sure Mania was ready to get married & reassured him if he wasn't ready that was ok. He said he was ready & we proceeded with the wedding. Fast forward 4 months & we bought our house. 3 months later Mania cheated on me, I got him fired from his job (the girl he cheated with worked with him & my emotions got the best of me & I decided to show up there to prove my point.) I found out 2 days after the firing that I was pregnant again - when it rains it pours!
We got some marriage counseling & decided to work it out. Things were going smoothly, we were working on our relationship, healing, trust & getting ready for Tantrum to make an appearance. Things with Tantrums birth were not smooth, Tantrum came 7 weeks early & things were rough, but we were still working as a team & trying to enjoy life as much as possible at that point.
Things seemed to stay fairly even, minor life ups & downs, but nothing we couldn't handle & get through. Fast forward to October 2010 & it is sprung on me that a couple that we were friends with approached Mania about swinging. I did not want this, did not agree with it & should have stood my ground, but I gave a little. I agreed to meeting with them & then told him I didn't want to go further, the talking was fine if that was what turned him on, but no further than that. The agreement also was I was to know about it, have access to what was said if I chose to & there was no hiding anything!
Well this worked for a short while. Not long after I found out that the wife & Mania had done some stuff together behind my back & behind her husband's, needless to say I was not happy. Mania blamed this on a communication problem & I was dumb enough to believe him. Then, we mutually decide a separation may be best for us & our family to figure some things out. We were apart about 8 days, he saw the kids regularly, like every day & we remained cordial for the most part. When he came home I knew something was off, but couldn't put my finger on it. About 2 or 3 weeks later I found some im's between him & a female coworker talking about their sexual desires, etc. Needless to say I flipped.
We tried marriage counseling, but he figured out there are deeper issues from his past, parents divorce, father abandoned him, etc. that he needed to work through. I agreed & now we are both in individual counseling working through a lot & trying to figure things out. This is where the journey will continue with updates, rants, raw emotions & a lot of confusion on my part......hope you will join me & find it in yourself to provide a tiny bit of moral support!
Friday, July 1, 2011
A little introduction
Hello everyone in the blogosphere reading welcome to my blog I am Confused! Yes, that is the only way you will know me, no real names here folks! So what is it about my life that would be the equivalent of a bumpy road?
Well, I plan to give you all the background information necessary before I dive right into that, but let's just say in 6 1/2 years of marriage we have been through ALOT!!!! We are at a "do or die" crossroad in our marriage & I don't know what's going to happen, what is the right thing to do or how any of this will end up, but I know that I need to get my story, thoughts, feelings, concerns, happiness, anger, etc. out & in an anonymous way. That would be why I decided on the fictitious names.
Everyone is welcome to leave comments, suggestions, advice, etc., but it must be done in a respectable way, no one is to assume their advice is the best, no one can say what they know they would do (unless of course you've been through it) because trust me, I never thought I would do what I've done so far either! I guess you really never do know until you are in that situation yourself after all. Please keep in mind that this is only MY side of the story, only 1 side every story has 2 sides, but I am only telling you mine, wonder what he would tell you? No attacking each others advice or me.....got it? OK then, moving forward.
I'm not going to get into much of my life today except to introduce you to the people in my life whom I love. First is my husband, the person I am traveling this bumpy road with, we'll call him Mr. Mania. Sounds fitting to me. Then there is our oldest child who we will call Brain well, because the child is very smart, I know this not just because I am the mom & biased, but because we have actually had Brain's IQ tested & found out what we've always suspected, Brain functions way above average. The next child on our list we will call Temper, mostly because there are lots of temper tantrums thrown by Temper. We are working on fixing this as Temper is only 4, going to be 5 in 8 days.....don't remind me, but how on Earth did 5 years go so fast?
So now that I've introduced you to everyone I will give you a quick synopsis of our background in my next post. This cannot be done in one post completely so if anything gets sketchy as we go ask questions I may have forgotten I hadn't let you in on that part yet & would be happy to fill in any blanks. So go pass the word to your friends, continue reading & commenting & I will hopefully do the background tomorrow or Sunday! Check back for that.
Well, I plan to give you all the background information necessary before I dive right into that, but let's just say in 6 1/2 years of marriage we have been through ALOT!!!! We are at a "do or die" crossroad in our marriage & I don't know what's going to happen, what is the right thing to do or how any of this will end up, but I know that I need to get my story, thoughts, feelings, concerns, happiness, anger, etc. out & in an anonymous way. That would be why I decided on the fictitious names.
Everyone is welcome to leave comments, suggestions, advice, etc., but it must be done in a respectable way, no one is to assume their advice is the best, no one can say what they know they would do (unless of course you've been through it) because trust me, I never thought I would do what I've done so far either! I guess you really never do know until you are in that situation yourself after all. Please keep in mind that this is only MY side of the story, only 1 side every story has 2 sides, but I am only telling you mine, wonder what he would tell you? No attacking each others advice or me.....got it? OK then, moving forward.
I'm not going to get into much of my life today except to introduce you to the people in my life whom I love. First is my husband, the person I am traveling this bumpy road with, we'll call him Mr. Mania. Sounds fitting to me. Then there is our oldest child who we will call Brain well, because the child is very smart, I know this not just because I am the mom & biased, but because we have actually had Brain's IQ tested & found out what we've always suspected, Brain functions way above average. The next child on our list we will call Temper, mostly because there are lots of temper tantrums thrown by Temper. We are working on fixing this as Temper is only 4, going to be 5 in 8 days.....don't remind me, but how on Earth did 5 years go so fast?
So now that I've introduced you to everyone I will give you a quick synopsis of our background in my next post. This cannot be done in one post completely so if anything gets sketchy as we go ask questions I may have forgotten I hadn't let you in on that part yet & would be happy to fill in any blanks. So go pass the word to your friends, continue reading & commenting & I will hopefully do the background tomorrow or Sunday! Check back for that.
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